With the offseason winding down, Spring Coaching beginning up, and baseball simply across the nook, I believe it’s time we speak about a vital difficulty that’s been on my thoughts the final couple of days. It’s one thing that concerned a hearty quantity of analysis, a large serving of statistical evaluation, and a pinch of the nice ol’ usual eye check. It’s my biggest pleasure to deliver r/baseball my findings, titled:

 

**Which MLB Crew Namesakes I May Beat Up.**

 

The principles are easy and laid out as follows:

1. The winner of the struggle will likely be decided by whoever beats up the opposite extra. This may be decided by submission, KO, or simply an govt choice in who’s been beat up extra, within the case {that a} struggle winner can’t be decided.
2. Fighters is not going to be restricted on their techniques through the struggle.
3. Every struggle is 1-on-1.
4. The hypothetical area for these hypothetical fights is a traditional preventing spot: The again alley behind a bar. It’s nighttime, however the preventing space is nicely lit by neon indicators from the bar and streetlights from simply down the alley. The bottom is considerably damp, with a number of puddles. There may be additionally a 30 foot circle of drunk bystanders cheering us on.
5. Combatants are prepared to struggle and won’t instantly flee (although there’s no assure I received’t).
6. In conditions the place I wasn’t positive how a group bought its identify or what precisely it referred to, I used [Team Name Origins](http://teamnameorigin.com/mlb/nickname/major-league-baseball) to make an knowledgeable judgement.

The stats on me: I’m a 24-year outdated male, 5’10” (5’11” on a great day), clocking in at round 165 kilos, with a 72” attain (that I measured myself after I was house alone).

Lastly, I’m simply attempting to have some enjoyable with this and certainly not wish to struggle any of you. It’s not my fault I may beat up the factor your group is known as after. Don’t prefer it? Change your group identify.

With out additional ado, allow us to start.

 

**Arizona Diamondbacks:** We’re going to imagine the struggle could be towards a Western diamondback rattlesnake because the group relies in Arizona. Wikipedia tells me that they’re far much less venomous than different rattlesnakes, however as a consequence of their giant venom glands can ship between 250-350 mg of venom, with a most of 700–800 mg, per chunk. That feels like rather a lot. However, I’m assured that, even when it bit me, I may nonetheless kick it or one thing not less than a couple of times whereas its fangs had been pumping venom into me earlier than fully succumbing to shock. And with a diamondback having a small physique, I believe that I may beat it up sufficient to qualify. That factor’s gonna be bruised not less than.

**VERDICT:** *I may beat up a diamondback, although I’d most undoubtedly be killed by its venom after the struggle (nonetheless counts as a beat up, although).*

 

**Atlanta Braves:** The namesake “Braves” comes from James Gaffney’s affiliation with Tammany Corridor, a NYC political machine, that used a Native American chief as their image. I don’t just like the considered beating up a Native American chief, as a lot of the chiefs I’ve discovered on-line look to be very outdated, so as a substitute I’m going to beat up a New York politician from 1912 who in all probability deserves it.

**VERDICT:** *I may beat up a courageous.*

 

**Baltimore Orioles:** I may most undoubtedly beat up an oriole. Its 12.6” (at most) wingspan is at a large drawback to my 72” attain. It might have velocity, however I’ve bought the brute drive that would overpower the chook seeing because it’s only one.19 ozon common.

**VERDICT:** *I may beat up an oriole.*

 

**Boston Crimson Sox:** A pair of crimson socks are not any match for me, seeing as I’m a sentient being and they’re a pair of socks dyed crimson. Now, after all, one would possibly query how I can decide “beating up” a pair of socks however, belief me, it’s attainable.

**VERDICT:** *I may beat up a pair of crimson socks.*

 

**Chicago White Sox:** One would suppose the identical logic of crimson socks applies to white socks, however that is the place issues get difficult. White socks are notoriously sturdy and would require an excellent deal extra effort on my half to efficiently beat up. However, by using the educating of Solar Tzu and conserving my plans darkish and impenetrable as evening, then falling like a thunderbolt, I may acquire the higher hand.

**VERDICT:** *I may beat up a pair of white socks.*

 

**Chicago Cubs:** It’s arduous to lock down precisely what sort of bear the Cubs are as wild bears have been nonexistent in Illinois for a while. All through the group’s historical past, they’ve had a black bear, a brown bear, and even a man in a polar bear costume symbolize the group. So, primarily based off their present mascot and logos, it felt secure to imagine I’d be preventing a brown bear cub. Additionally, since a cub is mostly known as a “yearling” after 1 12 months of age, the cub could be lower than 1 12 months outdated. Seeing as a cub lower than 1 12 months of age is lower than 80 kilos, I believe I may deal with myself.

**VERDICT:** *I may beat up a cub, however it will make me actually unhappy to beat up a child animal, so emotionally I believe I’d be beating myself up after.*

 

**Cincinnati Reds:** If there’s one factor dwelling within the grand ol’ USofA has taught me, it’s that this city ain’t large enough for me and a few no good Commie scum. That being stated, I’m pretty sure I’d get the shit kicked outta me by a Communist from Russia, which I’m assuming that is. Alternatively, if we return in historical past to have a look at the place the identify “Reds” comes from, then I’m preventing a pair of disembodied crimson legs which sounds extremely scary and in addition like they’ll kick rather well. I believe I lose both means.

**VERDICT:** *I couldn’t beat up a crimson (Communist or legs).*

 

**Cleveland Indians:** Yeah I might lose this struggle. Simply gonna go away it there.

**VERDICT:** *I couldn’t beat up an indian.*

 

**Colorado Rockies:** Contemplating the group is known as after some mountains I don’t suppose I may beat them up. However, I don’t understand how a mountain vary would get to or match contained in the preventing space I’ve established, so I’m going to say I’d win this struggle on a technicality. But in addition I lose as a result of it’s a mountain and I can’t beat up a mountain.

**VERDICT:** *I couldn’t beat up a Rocky (Mountain), however I can declare I received the struggle on account of them not even displaying up. Cowards.*

 

**Detroit Tigers:** It’s a tiger. I lose.

**VERDICT:** *I couldn’t beat up a tiger.*

 

**Houston Astros:** The common age of an astronaut is 34. Contemplating one should be in peak bodily and psychological situation to shoot themself into area I don’t suppose I stand a lot of an opportunity towards an astro. On prime of that, I’d be severely outmatched when the astro’s associates begin banging on the dumpster within the alley, letting them know what sort of assault is coming subsequent.

**VERDICT:** *I couldn’t beat up an astro.*

 

**Kansas Metropolis Royals:** Essentially the most well-known royal, Queen Elizabeth II, is 93 years outdated (and will likely be 94 in a number of months). Whereas I’m positive she’s a scrappy fighter, in a 1-on-1 struggle I like my possibilities towards that outdated bag. Sorry England, hope you benefit from the Cubs/Cardinals collection this 12 months.

**VERDICT:** *I may beat up probably the most well-known royal, Queen Elizabeth II.*

 

**Los Angeles Angels:** Combating an angel could be no small feat. With their large wings, occasional swords, killer vocals, shiny halos, and proficiency at preventing devils, an angel is a stacked opponent. After all, I may look to Jacob’s instance of how he wrestled one, however let’s be actual, I’m no Jacob. Additionally, I don’t wish to piss off the large man upstairs by beating up one in every of his staff, so I believe I’m gonna take the autumn on this one.

**VERDICT:** *I couldn’t beat up an angel.*

 

**Los Angeles Dodgers:** A dodger, by definition, could be very tough to struggle as touchdown hits could be fairly the problem. That being stated, one may additionally assume that their solely transfer is dodging, not attacking. I believe that, with sufficient effort and time, I may ultimately land a number of good hits on a dodger since they’re not hitting me again.

**VERDICT:** *I may, ultimately, beat up a dodger.*

 

**Miami Marlins:** Contemplating the foundations for the place the struggle occurs, it feels a bit unfair for a marlin. However, additionally contemplating that an Atlantic blue marlin can weigh over 1800 kilos, I nonetheless don’t suppose I may beat one up, even when it was flopping round on the bottom.

**VERDICT:** *I couldn’t beat up a marlin.*

 

**Milwaukee Brewers:** Once I consider a brewer I consider 1 of two folks. Both a surly, gruff particular person, with immense higher physique energy for stirring the beer (or no matter they do, I’m unsure on the specifics) or a hipster micro-brewer that simply desires to speak about why IPAs are higher than Pilsners. As a lot as I’d prefer to struggle the latter, with the Brewers being named after beer makers like Pabst, Miller, and Schlitz within the Milwaukee space, it solely feels truthful to struggle the previous.

**VERDICT:** *I couldn’t beat up a brewer. Possibly in the event that they had been drunk, although.*

 

**Minnesota Twins:** The Twins are named after the Twin Cities, which I can’t actually struggle. So if I’m going with human twins it makes extra sense. However the place this will get tough is figuring out the age/bodily make-up of the twins I’m preventing. So, to keep away from having to create an extended record of hypothetical fights, I’d be preventing my very own twin (that was created particularly for this struggle). In that case, I’m positive my twin would let me beat them up so I can look good for a bunch of individuals on Reddit.

**VERDICT:** *I may beat up a twin (of myself, given the circumstances).*

 

**New York Yankees:** A yankee is a time period for somebody who lives within the US, so if I’m preventing a random one who lives within the US I want to find out the chances of who I is perhaps preventing. A 2018 Inhabitants Distribution by Age graph says 24% of the inhabitants is youngsters aged 0-18 (which I really feel like I may beat up) and 29% of the inhabitants is adults aged 55+ (which I additionally really feel like I may beat up). Collectively, that offers me a 53% probability of preventing a toddler or older American. In that case, I believe I may beat them up. Within the case they’re one of many different 47% aged 19-54, I nonetheless suppose I may get a number of licks in.

**VERDICT:** *I may (in all probability) beat up a yankee, if the coin flip goes my means.*

 

**New York Mets:** Because the Mets identify comes from the phrase metropolitan, which implies a metropolis, I don’t suppose I’ve a lot of an opportunity. Though, a fast Google search additionally lists the noun “metropolitan” as which means “a bishop having authority over the bishops of a province, particularly (in Orthodox Church buildings) one rating above archbishop and under patriarch.” which I undoubtedly suppose I may beat up. Not that it issues, although, because the group isn’t named after a bishop, however I simply wished it on the market.

**VERDICT:** *I couldn’t beat up a met.*

 

**Oakland Athletics:** I don’t take into account myself athletic. An athletic particular person would undoubtedly beat me up.

**VERDICT:** *I couldn’t beat up an athletic.*

 

**Philadelphia Phillies:** To be sincere, I’m not even actually positive what a philly (phillie?) is. Is it town of Philadelphia? An individual from Philadelphia? That inexperienced mascot who’s at all times inflicting mayhem? A sandwich? A reputation which means “Horse Lover” (in accordance with Google)? Both means, it feels unimaginable to struggle one thing after I don’t even know what that one thing is. Philadelphia, repair your rattling group identify.

**VERDICT:** *I couldn’t beat up a philly, however not for lack of attempting.*

 

**Pittsburgh Pirates:** If I’m preventing a modern-day pirate, I don’t like my odds. Now, if it’s a Pirate of the Caribbean selection, I’ll have an opportunity if I exploit modern-day expertise to dazzle the pirate whereas I get ‘em with a 1-2 combo. Even then, the minute hook palms and peg legs begin flying I’m probably getting beat up.

**VERDICT:** *I couldn’t beat up a pirate.*

 

**San Diego Padres:** I believe I may beat up my dad, however I received’t know for positive till he will get again from going out to purchase milk. He ought to be again any day.

**VERDICT:** *I may beat up a padre, if mine ever got here house.*

 

**San Francisco Giants:** A large would squish me. Easy as that.

**VERDICT:** *I couldn’t beat up a large.*

 

**Seattle Mariners:** I’m optimistic I’d be no match for a sailor. One other straightforward beatdown for my opponent.

**VERDICT:** *I couldn’t beat up a mariner.*

 

**St. Louis Cardinals:** Whereas cardinals are usually barely greater than orioles, weighing in at round 1.58 ozon common, I nonetheless suppose a cardinal is not any match for me. Its beak may certainly trigger me some injury, however on the finish of the day, all I want is one good hit and that chook has been efficiently beat up.

**VERDICT:** *I may beat up a cardinal.*

 

**Tampa Bay Rays:** I believe I had a reasonably good probability of profitable this struggle when the identify referred to a satan ray (or a manta ray, just like the patch on the jerseys), seeing because it’d be one other fish out of water scenario (you Florida groups and your ill-equipped land combatants). However, now that the identify refers to rays of solar, I don’t stand an opportunity. I get burned if I’m exterior within the solar for 20 minutes with out sunscreen, so I don’t see how I may hope to win when the solar’s rays are going out of their method to trigger me hurt. Additionally, if the solar needed to come shut sufficient to Earth to get contained in the preventing space it will destroy all life on Earth, and I don’t need that on my conscience. So I’ll concede this struggle.

**VERDICT:** *I couldn’t beat up a ray (of solar), however I may beat up a ray (of satan (on land)).*

 

**Texas Rangers:** I don’t suppose there’s a single factor named ranger I may beat up. Texas Ranger? Nope. Military Ranger? Nuh-uh. Walker, Texas Ranger? Not an opportunity. Ford Ranger? Possibly a dent when it runs me over. Energy Ranger? It’s Mighty Morphin’ Kickin’ My Ass Time!

**VERDICT:** *I couldn’t beat up a ranger, of any selection.*

 

**Toronto Blue Jays:** One other rattling chook? Sure. I may beat up a blue jay. Certain, blue jays can weigh as much as 3.5 oz, with a 17” wingspan, however I nonetheless don’t suppose I’ve something to fret about.

**VERDICT:** *I may beat up a blue jay.*

 

**Washington Nationals:** A nationwide is a citizen of a rustic, so this can be a main toss up. I suppose since I claimed I may beat up a random yankee, primarily based on the chances I ought to do the identical right here. But in addition, I’ve been engaged on this some time and that is the final one so I don’t wish to seek out all of the statistics for the world’s age distribution. So I’ll simply say that I may, as a result of odds are nobody even learn this far anyway.

**VERDICT:** *I may beat up a nationwide.*

 

In closing, I believe I may beat up about half of Main League Baseball’s group namesakes. I’m utilizing the chances to my benefit for a few of them, after all, however typically you’ve simply gotta guess on your self. I’ve rounded up among the remaining stats under:

 

**Namesakes I May Beat Up:** 14

**Namesakes I May Not Beat Up:** 16

**Most Beat Up-able Division:** American League East, with 4.

**Least Beat Up-able Division:** American League West, with 0.

**Best Combat:** White or crimson socks.

**Hardest Combat:** Bodily, both a Rocky Mountain or met. Emotionally, a child bear cub.

Edit: Fastened formatting.

34 COMMENTS

  1. The Dodgers were named after “Trolley Dodgers”, or basically just people from Brooklyn who had to avoid getting hit by public transportation. I’d say being from Brooklyn gives them an advantage.

    The Yankees (I believe) were named after Union soldiers from the Civil War. Don’t think you’d stand a chance against them.

  2. Now, the Royals are technically named after the American Royal, which is a massive BBQ contest and rodeo. So, you’d either fight a massive crowd of BBQers, bull riders, or bulls.

  3. >On top of that, I’d be severely outmatched when the astro’s friends start banging on the dumpster in the alley, letting them know what kind of attack is coming next

    This sentence made me spit out my drink. Gotta love shitting on the Astros.

  4. ” A **filly** is a female horse that is too young to be called a mare.”

    The cutoff in the US is four years, the UK racing circuit holds it at five. Either way you are getting your but STOMPED by a panicked horse if you try to fight a Philly.

    [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filly](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filly)

    That said, excellent shitpost, keep up the good work.

  5. Red Sox: Surely you could beat up a pair of red sox, but what if those sox became red due to a bio-hazard? You definitely would not want to get near those sox.

    Cubs: A bear cub is always near his mama bear and so if you see a bear cub I suggest you don’t get near one let alone threaten it.

  6. Crazy that we had to wait until the end of the off-season to see a high quality shitpost. This is going to be an amazing year!

  7. This is the most important post of the day. Everyone get in here and discuss this and this only today!

  8. The way a sting ray throws its tail around is concerning even on land… Steve Irwin got beat in reasonably shallow water…

  9. While talking Cleveland, are you saying you couldn’t beat up a Native American? Because that’s probably true.

    Buuuut you have just about 8 inches on the average man from India…. sooooo perhaps you could beat up an Indian

  10. World-class. The Padres are named after Franciscan friars (priests) though. You could probably beat up a priest.

  11. Naw man maybe I’m a biased Minnesota fan but you’d definitely have to fight BOTH twins to say you beat up the twins. Not just beat up your twins. It’s twins with an s not twin. Same with cubs u gotta fight a minimum of 2 at a time, and the padres this could introduce issues with a number of teams actually

  12. OPs dad: *comes home*

    Ops dad: “sorry son I shouldn’t have stayed away for so long”

    Op: I’m so glad you’re back. Look at this cool post I made

    Ops dad: *leaves*

  13. > Of course, I could look to Jacob’s example of how he wrestled one, but let’s be real, I’m no Jacob.

    I like to imagine that this is what spurred this whole line of inquiry.

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